Relational Trauma

“Children don’t get traumatised because they’re hurt.

They get traumatised because they’re alone with the hurt.”

- Gabor Mate

When I ask my clients who they spoke to if they were sad, upset or angry as a child, the most common answer is No One. When you can’t talk to anyone about your big feelings your nervous system becomes overwhelmed.

If a child is consistently alone with their big feelings their nervous system is continually overwhelmed. This overwhelm and the disruption in the parent/child relationship creates Relational Trauma.

Relational trauma occurs when there is consistent disruption of a child’s sense of being safe and loved within the family. Most often the parent does not knowingly or intentionally cause this disruption – it is a result of their own untreated relational trauma.

This is why unless addressed the cycle can continue through generations. Relational trauma is so damaging because the relationship between a child and their parent/caregiver plays a huge part in shaping who they are when they grow up.

Relational trauma impacts you in

-       Your physical body. Your body reacts to the pain of feeling unsafe or needing to defend itself. This can present through physical issues such as digestive issues, headaches, insomnia, chronic pain or cancer.

-       Your relationships. Its common to experience difficulty in maintaining relationships that are romantic, platonic or familial. This is dues to issues with trust or co-dependency.

-       Your self-esteem. Relational trauma can deeply erode your self-worth and self-esteem. The emotional scars of relational trauma may lead to pervasive feelings of shame and self-blame and undermine your self-confidence.

-       Your mental health. It common to struggle with emotional dysregulation, experiencing intense mood swings, anxiety and depression. These emotional fluctuations can hinder your ability to cope with stress.

-       Your ability to set boundaries.


Parentification is a form of relational trauma. It occurs when a child is regularly expected to provide emotional or practical support for a parent, instead of the child receiving that support themselves.

I regularly see women who were parentified following the separation of their parents. Practically they often take on the role of caring for their younger siblings, cooking meals and house cleaning, often while being under the age of 10.

Emotionally they are usually required to support their devastated mother who is struggling to cope on her own or to referee between their parents arguments being the go-between.

Parentified children learn to repress their own needs in favour of what they perceive the parent needs.

This reversal tends to be hugely damaging to the child’s emotional, physical, and relational development.

If you were parentified you might -

  • have poor boundaries

  • Have difficulty saying no

  • Believe that it’s not ok to have personal needs or desires

  • Be hypervigilant of others moods and needs

  • Be unable to relax or trust others

 Healing from relational trauma is a FEELING process.

It involves -

  • acknowledging the pain without trying to fix it, change it or apologise for it

  • processing and releasing the unexpressed emotions

  • giving your younger self the validation & compassion it didn’t receive in childhood

While what happened to you in the past was not your fault, healing your relational wounds is up to you.